“How To Talk When Your

Parenting Partner Won’t Listen”

by Joanna Faber and Julie King

authors of

How To Talk So LITTLE Kids Will Listen

and

How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen,

as well as the companion app,

HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket

To me it, seems like half of those tantrums could be avoided if my husband would just try using some of these tools. And there doesn’t seem to be any right way to give him advice. Everything I say just ticks him off. He’s like “Fine, you deal with it then!” And he leaves the room.

Recently, we’ve been having massive battles at dinner time. My husband gets angry and disgusted when Joey eats with his fingers. He thinks the only way Joey will learn proper manners is if we give him a “consequence”—making him leave the table when he doesn’t eat nicely.

It’s true that Joey is a messy eater, but I feel like my husband is overreacting. I can’t stand the idea of punishing my son for not eating neatly. And I don’t want him to miss out on a nutritious meal.

What it comes down to is that my husband thinks I’m being too permissive and spoiling our son. And I think he’s being too harsh and crushing his spirit.

How can I get my husband to listen when I talk?

Signed,
Grown-up Trouble

Dear GuT,

According to the fairy tales, when you get married you’re supposed to live happily ever after. The truth is, we live annoyingly ever after. One person wants the window open at night, the other is freezing. One person wants dinner to be spicier, the other’s mouth is already burning. We irritate each other. It’s inevitable! And that’s before you add the sensitive issue of raising children into the mix.

Even single parents can’t escape. They have to deal with the babysitter, the grandparents, the teacher—each with their own style of handling conflicts with kids.

It feels like our children’s future depends on our standing up for them and correcting our parenting partners—“You’re not doing it right! My way is better.”

The problem is, criticizing someone about how they handle their children cuts right to a person’s core. It’s hard to take!

Imagine that you are in the grocery store and your child throws a tantrum because you refuse to buy her the Super Sugar Marshmallow Rainbow Crunch cereal she saw advertised on TV. Think about how you would feel if, mid-tantrum, your mother-in-law suddenly materialized and started telling you why the tantrum was all your fault, listing all the things you were doing wrong and what you should have done instead. It would be pretty infuriating, even if her advice were good.

So how can you talk so that your spouse (or in-laws, nanny, or your child’s teacher…) will listen?

It’s tempting to try to convince your partner of your superior rightness, by explaining why they are wrong and your way is better. If that approach worked, you wouldn’t be reading this!

We don’t have a magical incantation to convince a skeptical partner that acknowledging feelings, offering choices, putting children in charge, and problem-solving are superior to punitive methods of discipline. There is plenty of
supporting evidence for the former over the latter, but what tends to be most convincing to people is their own hands-on experience. Which is why we suggest that if you are at odds with your partner over child rearing, you may gain more traction by focusing on a particular conflict, rather than engaging in a battle of philosophical principles.

We’re going to recommend that you start with the premise that both of you love your children and want the best for them. Then proceed by choosing a specific conflict and using the very same How To Talk tools with your partner that you are using with your kids to try to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

What might that sound like?

Instead of:

“You’re being way too uptight. Five-year-olds eat with their fingers. Deal with it!”

Try problem-solving:

Step 1. Find a time to talk when both of you are not feeling stressed.

“I know we’ve been fighting a lot at dinner time. I want to see if we can figure out a solution. When is a good time to talk about it?”

Step 2. Make a sincere attempt to describe your partner’s feelings without belittling them.

“It sounds like what you were saying last night is that your biggest concern is that he won’t learn table manners if we don’t enforce them consistently at dinner time. You don’t want to have a kid who goes to other people’s houses and eats with his fingers, and reaches over people to get more food. If we don’t teach him, no one else will, and people will think badly of him.”

Invite your partner to add whatever thoughts they have.

“Did I get it right? Is there anything else?”

If they do have more to say, take time to restate their concerns in your own words, so your partner knows you get it.

“Oh, so it also feels disrespectful to you, because he’s not listening when you tell him to use his fork instead of his fingers.”

Step 3. Make a sincere attempt to describe your own feelings without attacking your partner. (Extra challenge: If you can, make this part a little bit briefer than step 2. If you spend a more generous amount of time on the other person’s feelings than on your own disgruntlement, they will be in a more generous mood to listen to your ideas later on!)

“To me, it feels like dinner time is becoming a battleground. It’s stressing me out. I want dinner to be relaxed and friendly. I’m happy Joey’s eating healthy food, and I feel like we need to have reasonable expectations for his age.”

Step 4. Ask for ideas.

“I want to come up with something that will satisfy both of us. How would you feel about…”

In the case of this real life couple, they decided that they would have two nights a week for “fancy dining,” and the other nights would be “nature rules.” On the fancy dining nights, everyone would use silverware and cloth napkins and their best manners. The mom agreed that she would be the one to encourage Joey to use silverware, by making it a challenge for him to get the food to his mouth without touching it with his fingers. She also would
make food that was a little easier to stab with a fork or scoop with a spoon.

On nature nights, there would be no corrections about the proper use of implements, just conversation about the day. Dad ended up feeling relieved that his son was going to learn manners and that his wife was on board. Mom ended up feeling relieved that she could do the teaching her own way—playfully, without punishment—and that the majority of meals would be relaxed.

* * * * *

Not every conflict is going to require an elaborate negotiation. There are other strategies you can use in the moment that can inspire the spirit of cooperation, rather than irritation, in your partner.

• Share your own experience

Instead of criticizing: “You’re doing it wrong! If you want her to get in the car without a fuss, you can’t just yell at her. You have to make it a game.”

Try:

“What worked for me yesterday was asking if she could walk to the car backwards.”

• Offer a suggestion

Instead of telling your partner what to do:

“If you want her to behave while you’re shopping, you have to give her a list of things to get. You can’t expect her to just stand there patiently and watch you read nutrition labels and compare prices for forty-five minutes.”

Try:

“How would you feel about getting her involved in the shopping by giving her a list of things to get?”

• Model the tools you find helpful

“Joey, you have a choice! You can wear your dinosaur PJs or your rocket ship PJs. Tell Daddy which ones you want.”

• Offer alternative ways to learn

One mom told us: “I leave the cartoons out for my husband to look at. I say, ‘Hey, honey, what do you think of this? Worth a try?’ He doesn’t have time to read a whole book, but he doesn’t mind the cartoons.”

Another shared this: “My partner kept saying he wanted to read your book but he didn’t have time. Last month he had a retreat with his office staff—it was a couple of hours drive away—so without saying
much, I handed him the audiobook as he left. He listened the whole way up! And I’m telling you, he came back so excited about it. He said he used the skills with his staff, and I can hear him being more empath-
ic and playful with the kids. He’s actually more of a natural than I am.”

• Counseling

When conflicts run deep, it may be beneficial for either one or both parents to work with a therapist. Counseling can help parents get “unstuck” when they’ve reached a stalemate.

Story from a Workshop Participant

Ever since I started taking this workshop, I’ve been trying to convince my husband to try some of these new skills. But he is not having it. According to him, when the parent says “Jump!” the kid should respond, “How high?”

The other night, Jared didn’t want to stop playing with his Legos to take a bath. I told him he had two choices. He could walk to the tub with eyes open, or he could feel his way into the tub with his eyes closed. Jared said, “Eyes closed,” and went happily bumping down the hallway into the bathroom. I could tell my husband was impressed.

The next morning when my husband went to back his car out of the driveway he almost ran over Jared’s bike. He came inside and started yelling. “Jared, get in here! How many times have I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway?”

Then he paused. “Listen. You have two choices.”

He paused again, for a longer time. “…and your mother will tell you what they are!”

Then he stormed back out.

REMINDER: HOW TO TALK WHEN YOUR PARENTING
PARTNER WON’T LISTEN
1. Try problem-solving

“It sounds like you feel like he won’t ever learn to clean up after himself unless he gets a tough consequence for leaving a mess…”

“And I want to find a way to get him to feel good about cleaning up, and not make it a battle of wills…”

“Let’s see if we can come up with a plan that will satisfy both of us.”

2. Share your own experience

“Last night, what helped me get her into bed was making her stuffed animals say, ‘We’re lonely. We need you to snuggle us!’”

3. Offer a suggestion

“How would you feel about pretending to be the kid and asking him to tell
you when to cross the street?”

4. Model the tools you find helpful

“Amanda, can you set the timer and tell Daddy and me when it’s time to leave for the bus?”

5. Offer alternative ways to learn

Invite your partner to look at the cartoons, or listen to the audiobook on a car trip.

6. Counseling

Try individual or couples counseling to get unstuck.

JOANNA FABER AND JULIE KING are the coauthors of the new book, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, & Other Challenges of Childhood, as well as the best-selling book, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7, which has been translated into twenty-two languages world-wide. They created the app HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket, a companion to their book, as well as the app Parenting Hero. They speak to schools, businesses, and parent groups nationally and internationally, they lead “How To Talk” workshops and support groups online and in person, and provide private consultations. Visit them at How-To-Talk.com, on Instagram @howtotalk.forparents, or on Facebook @FaberandKing.